1.09.2007

No more Freediculous

I think this blog has run its course. Most of the potential new entries were pretty much the same as the old entries, and I was never really happy with the way it turned out. I had intended it to be more about the wacky things being offered, but it mostly ended up just making fun of stupid people.

So, ta.

6.25.2006

Nerdy offer of the month so far

OFFER: rear view mirror for eyeglasses

* Fits inside eyeglasses (you must have good distance vision
without glasses for this mirror to work)
* Fully adjustable
* Viewing area similar to a car mirror
* Condition: never used, in original package (which was opened for
the first time to take the photos below)
* I don't have good distance vision without glasses, and didn't
realize this was needed when I purchased this item (silly me!)
* My apologies for some blurry photos ... the mirror is very small
(3/8" diameter including plastic frame) and apparently my camera
doesn't focus well so close. Hopefully they're clear enough so you get
an idea of what the mirror looks like.
* This item is from a fragrance-free household

photos of the item are here:
http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/0/0/7/5/6/7/webimg/8214179_o.jpg
http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/0/0/7/5/6/7/webimg/8214181_o.jpg
http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/0/0/7/5/6/7/webimg/8214182_o.jpg
http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/0/0/7/5/6/7/webimg/8214184_o.jpg
http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/0/0/7/5/6/7/webimg/8214185_o.jpg

Probably the best use for this one is to be able to look behind you at the people snickering because you have a rear-view mirror on your glasses!

Qua?

offered:clay

cleaning out studio for big move. i have random odds and ends of clay.

1/2 5 gal bucket of mass white casting slip form sheffield pottery
2 bags of red clay (not sure exactally what kind)
1/3 bag porcelain
1/2 bucket of random clay waiting to be recycled (has already dried out and
then re soaked. now sitting in water)

prefer if someone took all, but i'm flexible



This one has been in the Freediculous backlogs for a while, and I was trying to remember why I ever flagged it in the first place. Then I finally noticed the name of the sender: S. Potter

Anyone looking for a sidekick?

Offering a companion goat

To me this sounds like one of those chirpy, annoying, but lovable sidekicks found in just about every computer-animated movie made in the last 8 years:


Odd, but specific

Wanted to Borrow: Unicorn Costume, Size 8

Drat, all I have is a size 7.5!

offered: colored plastic bags

I know this is extreme. Does anyone have any use for the colored bags
that newspaper circulars come in? I know of somebody who crochets
handbags from them, but she moved away.


As far as I know, no one took this offer up. Come on, people! Where is your creativity? You know, the kind that comes up with ideas like this. So I thought I'd come up with a few possible uses for small colored plastic bags.

- Uh... you can use one bag to hold all the other bags.
- Toilet paper. If you're really desperate.
- Smothering cute furry animals. Hey, I didn't promise these would be good uses.
- If you get stranded on a desert island where the only thing to eat is snow peas, there are giant spiders which drop down from the sky and lay eggs in some of the peas, and the wind whooshing by rings faintly of Busta Rhymes with a hint of lemon, you can use a small colored plastic bag to hold all of your other small colored plastic bags.

OR, you could convert the polymeric plastic back to the smaller carbon-based molecules from whence it came and use them to fuel your car so that you can pick up MORE small colored plastic bags...

5.21.2006

The problem with iMacs

This post clued me in to a serious problem affecting iMac owners. Sure, she's reliable. Sure, she looks sharp. Sure, she runs faster than most anything that's street-legal. But what happens when you have an accident?

Wanted: preferably orange keyboard and mouse for IMAC
doesn't need to be orange, just needs to be in working order. Thanks
Frank

OOOOPS. Now you have to hope to God that the junkyard has a matching color. Otherwise, you'll end up with the computer equivalent of this:


Collectibles!

Wanted: Old Basketball Cards
Hi,
I'm looking for old basketball trading cards from the 60's, 70's or 80's in any condition. Love the old timers.
Thanks,
Erika


I have a feeling that the people who decided to hang onto old basketball cards are probably not going to part with them willingly. At least not at any reasonable price; collectors are odd like that. It's the reason antiques and anything branded with a Coke label are so expensive.

Fashion, Smashin'!

OFFER 80's fashion mags
Late 80's - early 90's Seventeen & Mademoiselle. Probably have 10 or
so.

Ah yes, the late 80's, the height of fashion. Boy I wish we could go back to those times.

5.09.2006

Tell me again why it takes special equipment to run.

WANTED: TREADMILL
For kid going out for track---needs practice!!!!

One thing I remember about track... it was for the most part outdoors. And not on a moving band of plastic. But if it's a problem of motivation, I could come over and make some scary faces. That'll get 'em running. Or maybe just rolling their eyes. Or I could just show this picture again:

He'd probably get a better laugh

...if he told them his name and what he does for a living. Yes, it's our favorite favorite Technician of the Sacred

WANTED: GORILLA Mask or head from GORILLA suit

Anyone have a gorilla mask or the head from a gorilla
suit that I can borrow for a week? I'm going to a
training called 'Guerilla Business School' and... well
you get the idea.

Thanx.
David


Bahahahahahahahahahah! I get it! We're so clever!

Well, you can't argue with his reasons

WANTED; I am in need of an more up to date Word pad cd
Hello; I am in need of a word pad cd with spell check, gramer, and other important factors on it, t.y.

Does WordPad even come on CDs? And honestly, this and most online post creators and email clents make better word processors than Word Pad.

4.29.2006

Another list of wishfullly free items

This may be the last installment of this type of post... it's really quite common and is almost universally prefaced with "I know this is a long shot, but..."

OK. People are sometimes generous. However, if there were as many free cars in the world as are requested on Freecycle, some fundamental law of physics would almost certainly be broken. I suppose it just goes to show that (unlike energy, matter, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch) there is no such thing as the Law of Conservation of Stupidity.

Here are some of the worst offenders, often not even offering a sob story to try and sway some person's golden heart:

WANTED: Car in working condition

Hi. I'm in need of a car in working condition. Can someone please help
me.
Thank you


Hey, I've got a car that works! It'll be perfect for you, I swear! As long as you live uphill of where you need to go. And have a ski lift to tow it back up to your house. But it does have 4 wheels and is very fuel efficient! OK, it's a leprous skateboard, but they are working very hard on a cure for leprosy these days, and the chances of your getting infected are very low as long as you don't hit a tiny piece of gravel and scrape your knees and elbows, leading to open woulds through which leprotic germs may enter.

WANTED: Car in working condition

looking for a toyota or something comparable.

I'll make you the same offer I made the last guy. What? You can compare a leprous skateboard to a Toyota. It doesn't stack up very well, but that doesn't stop you from comparing.

Wanted:Pick-up truck in working order

It could be a source of partime income in a dayly strougle for
survivor in today's economy for a low income family, anything will be
appriciated, thanks you all.


It could be. Or it could be the basis for building a portable meth lab. Not that it couldn't be both, thanks you.

We are looking for a Drill Press

We are looking for a drill press. :-)

Apparently, they assume we don't know how to read subjects. Or they thought that sending a message with just a smiley-face in the body would be kind of creepy (this was the entirety of the message). Anyway, it turns out that some models are not as expensive as I thought they were, but still...

And finally we have this last one. I don't know, maybe this sort of thing actually works, because the same guy is asking for more free professional labor:

WANTED: ROOFER FOR xxxxxxx 2 FAMILY

Again, no details, no mention of contract, just a request for someone to do for free what they normally get paid to do. Will materials be provided? Tools? At the very least, lemonade? I see this sort of thing the same as if I walked into an accountant's office and asked them to do my taxes for free. Or going to a restaurant and expecting a free meal. Or going up to a professional sports team owner and asking them to do, uh, to do... well, whatever it is that they do. For free. That is.

Heh heh... I said oars!

WANTED: Crew.boat oars/paint stripper &tools

Quote that becomes juvenilically funny when taken extremely out of context:

"also any left over stripper especially the paste kind"

I guess it was worth a shot

Considering how unlikely it would be to find it anywhere else, either:

WANTED --- Karaoke song Shes So cold- willing to trade

Hi... I do digital karaoke shows by laptop, willing to trade songs or
information .... I am looking for the song SHES SO COLD by the rolling
stones in karaoke...


No such luck

Shirt

Does anyone have a YANEEKS shirt a size 12!
Thank You

Funny, I was just at the MLB printing rejects outlet store. I saw shirts for the Asstros, the Angles, the Doggers, the Mauve Sox, the Injuns, the Cardinal Richelieu Impersonators, the Merlins, the Cowards, the Blew Jays, the Fillies, the Pierats, and the Royals, but no Yaneeks.

Besides, since when does athletic team apparel come in numbered sizes?

Fowls in a funk

Wanted: Broody hen

Let's see...

I've got a contemplative chickadee, a depressed duck, and a pondering partridge. Sorry, I'm fresh out!

4.15.2006

Houston, we have an overcrafty mom

OFFERED: ripped rubber gloves for kids' play

The title rings faintly of some unspeakable pedophilia-related incident left up to the reader's twisted, gnarled, warped, and otherwise diagonally-cut-in-a-square-cut-world imagination. OK, let's read on:

Just thinking how kids of a certain age would enjoy playing monster or
alien by putting on bright yellow rubber gloves whose fingers would
flap, EVEN THOUGH THE GLOVES MIGHT ALL HAVE AT LEAST ONE HOLE IN ONE
FINGER AND THUS BE UNUSABLE FOR WASHING DISHES! I've got a few; don't
know how many; about eight, probably. Maybe some light-green ones in
the mix.

Virginia


Yeah, I can just see the kids now:

Kid 1: RRRRAAAAHHHGHGHHAH!!!!1 I'm an alien/monster and I'm coming to eat you!!
Kid 2: Yeah, that glove with a hole in it is really scaring me. If you attacked me, I might accidentally touch your skin through the hole! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kid 1 *sprouts tentacles and rips off kid mask to reveal some sort of alien/monster underneath*
FOOL! You dare mock the mighty Zurg! For that pathetic little display of arrogance, I will eat your SOUL!
*eats soul of Kid 2*

it happened again!

Offer: AOL 9.0 CD
One AOL 9.0 CD - I will mail it to the first person who sends their
address.


Do people really think that these are a) difficult to find and b) actually worth something? And this lady will mail it right to your door! AS IF I DIDN'T GET E-FRICKIN-NOUGH OF THEM IN THE MAIL ALREADY!!!

4.09.2006

Yeah, good luck with that.

WANTED: Pogs and Slammers

Slammers, especially. Looking for more pogs as well, so I can bring
the game back.













NERD!!!!

Spellcheck doesn't catch everything

i am trying to locate a restore dick for a packard bell computer

It should be mentioned at this time that "restore dick" anagrams to "redi-rockets."

Milking machines need a good home; some repair required

Offer: Female Loafers

All they do now is just sit on their lazy bums and collect dust. Maybe someone can break these girls in? I've tried everything, and I just can't get them to work. I don't want to dump them in a landfill, because I'm sure they have a lot of wear still in them for the right set of legs.

That ain't a jingle bell. That's a gland full o' knowledge!

WANTED: full-size human brain model



If I wasn't a little loaded right now I'd say you're, uh, looking for, uh, come closer here. Looking for a brain, is that right? Heeey, it's Carl here, your buddy. You don't have to lie to me, cuz if it's a brain you want, I'll get you a brain. Oh yeah, yeah, no trouble. Let me just get another beer and give Terry a call. He does tons of stuff. He's kind of a jack of all, uh, black market organs. Does it need to be smart? Cuz those are kind of hard to come by. You gotta be smarter than them to get it. Two halves from different brains? No, it's no trouble, really. I went to high school with this guy. This thing he's doing here is sorta, you know, frowned upon by the community.



(click here if you don't understand. Not that clicking will help at all, but you'll feel better for having done it.)


Actually, the guy who sent this message runs another one of these handwavey consulting businesses, ala David Farkas although not nearly as crackpot sounding. Check him out, he's a Personal Productivity Workflow Consultant

4.03.2006

Sonic's got 'em, others don't.

Offered: Mealworms
I have a container of 50 Mealworms that I got at Dave's on Friday. I
took 2 out~and my Hedgehog wanted nothing to do with them! Anyone want
them?

Gender stereotype time, everybody!

OFFERED: Women's unmentionables

Such as:

unnecessary shoes
ugly babies
excess chocolate
small phone bills

actual quote from message: "I am elderly and I need one bad"

WANTED: memory

Hi, my name is... Harold?... Harriet?... Har... binger of Death?

Anyway, I'm writing because I lost my... um... mammal?... mimosa?... membership card for AARP?... huh. It'll come to me any... specter?... speculum?... sexism?...

Well. Anyway, my name is... Hattie?... Hester? ... Herbert? And I am looking for a.... hmm. I just had it on the tip of my tungsten-carbide drill.

Well anyway, if you figure out what it is I want, please respond to this, um... massage?... mastodon?... menage-a-trois?... and I'll get front to you.

Cincinnati,

um.... Sin City,

hmmm.... Cinnamon Toast Crunch,

Hubert. Hannah. Happenstance. Harlot. Harvey. Somebody!

(with apologies to Monty Python)

Sounds like a grand ol' time

Wanted: Services of Activist minded modern dancers for show in April
Dancers with and without disabilities sought for show at My Place
(a.k.a Bob Blue's house) in xxxxxxx April 22nd and 23rd. Experience a
plus. Contact Martina at xxx-xxxx.

Thanks,
Martina

I can hardly wait. Modern dance is my favorite type of dance besides swing, hip-hop, waltz, polka, fox-trot, two-step, macarena, conga, electric slide, break, line, salsa, tango, flamenco, ballet, dirty, YMCA, Hokey Pokey, bunny hop, awkward 7th-grade slow, Napoleon Dynamite, the kind that you do when your rival is firing a six-shooter at your feet, and any other type of dance besides modern dance.

3.26.2006

This offer is full of $#!7

OFFERED: Aged Horse Manure

I have plenty!

I bet he still does.

It's cheaper than a divorce...

OFFERED: beach chair, car seat covers, husband, misc.

At the end of the message, we find this:

BONUS: there is also a box of misc. do-dads that will be available
for browsing upon the pickup of any items!


Come for the husbands, stay for the do-dads

My question: Is a do-dad anything like a handyman? Is he named Steve? Does anyone know what the hell I meant by that last question?

This will match the flamingos perfectly!

OFFERED: Pink Toilet


Pink Toidy from the 50's, 3 gal. tank of course. Could be good for
planter or conversation starter/livingroom decoration.


Oh yes, I remember the conversations I've had that started with a discussion of Pink Toilets. They usually ended with threats of restraining orders. And suffice it to say I'm not allowed in that Home Depot anymore...

Good Samaritan alert

Nothing is too mundane, too gross, too small or too excremental that someone somewhere 
would not like to have it:


If you're willing to save your used cage bedding and small animal
manure, I'll come pick it up, whenever you clean out your cages.
Heck! I'll even help you! I'll take the entire contents of the cage
debris--cedar chips, newspapaer, shredded paper, droppings, etc. The
more, the merrier! Good animals are rabbit, hamster, guinea pig,
gerbil, chinchilla, etc. They are all great for my compost pile. No
cat or dog feces. Please let me know, and I'll come get it, whenever
you have it.
Yes, you read that correctly. They want your extraneous poop.

(Thanks to Leetie)

3.23.2006

Well, it was nice while it lasted...

...but I plan to update more frequently from now on, subjecting you, the reader to all sorts of terrible jokes, bad writing, and other venerial diseases.

Also, you're going to have to prove you're not a robot, as I've started getting comment treet, and it is NOT tasty.

2.14.2006

Unfortunate line break

Sometimes you find some unintended humor as a result of unfortunate formatting:

Hi, My daughter had an accident and now we need body parts to fix her




















car

Sometimes things just work out...

A landlord recently posted items left behind by a tenant. And by items I mean pretty much an entire furnished apartment. Hidden in there was this offer:

Helium tank. Empty or full, I don't know.

Interesting. I can think of several uses for that much helium: an Alvin and the Chipmunks revival concert; inflating our aerobed so that it stores itself on the ceiling when not in use; using it to power a "poor man's jacuzzi"

(bathtub + water + soap + compressed helium + hallucinogenics =)


But that helium would sure go great with these:

OFFER 1000+ Mylar and Latex Balloons

Sounds like they had a great Valentine's day...

Wanted: Bed

We are desperately in need of a new bed as ours has broken and taken on
a not-so-comfortable U shape. Prefer queen sized, but not picky at
this point.

Thanks,
Jen

1.17.2006

Why grammar counts, even on the internet

Because, otherwise you end up making some very questionable requests:

WANTED: Lap top for daughter to use in college

I'm sure there are plenty of laps whose owners would be more than happy to oblige...

It's also important to doublecheck your offers:

OFFER - Lots of great ladies & household items


I'm pretty sure she meant to say "milking machines."

Not that I'm one to make fun of names...

WANTED: Wirelss "G" laptop card

Anyone have a wireless "G" PCMCIA card for a laptop? I
fitted my daughter's very old laptop with a "B" card
and the connection is too slow for some of her
browsing.

Blessings,
David



David,

It's not the card. B cards are slower than G cards, but they are both faster than any affordable internet connection. Perhaps the problem lies in the very old laptop?

Anyway, the main reason this one got posted here was not for the post itself, but the sender. The first time I noticed his specific post was when he offered 2 bars of soap. Yes, two bars. Hardly worth it, even if you live next door, because then you actually have to go and talk to him. Why is that bad? Here's his signature:

DAVID FRANKLIN FARKAS, M.S. Ed
Intuitive • Technician of the Sacred
Healing for People, Buildings and Businesses

www.farkas.com/realtyrealty@farkas.com



A visit to his website confirms the suspiscion: he's more wack than a bunch of Wild Angry Custard Klingons. Some quotes:

For real estate investors and home buyers, remote pre-purchase intuitive building inspections can reveal hidden structural damage, water and utility problems as well as, tenant and neighborhood issues or even ghosts! Your on-site home inspector then has a list of items to check for, many of which would otherwise have been "hidden" problems.

For sellers, realtors and home owners our House Healing and Clearing services can remove the intangible "stuff" that keeps a house from selling or make a your home a more nurturing and healthy enviroment for you and your family.

...

In addition, David has honed intuitive skills that let him see and repair the energetic structure of buildings.

...

You may to participate in real time through a telephone conference call with Mr. Farkas during the process. This is advantageous, allowing you to take your own notes. Information is available to Mr. Farkas while he is "in the energy" but he will not typically remember details after the session. His notes, in the form of various symbols and sketches, help him pinpoint problems but do not show any details.

...

David provides an on-call service for travelers, especially business people and trainers who are constantly using hotel public spaces. Several of his clients now call him whenever they are staying in a hotel, to clear and protect their rooms so they can get a relaxed and restful night's sleep and remain focused on the task at hand.


...

David works with a group of Archangelic beings, to clear, bless and protect places and spaces.

And if you needed any further proof, here's his picture:


1.11.2006

You knew it was going to happen...

A new request from our favorite crazybioch:

WANTED:ANY ONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS

And just to further screw with your head, later that day she writes again:

OFFER:COMPUTER

THIS IS A OLD MAC PC

Sure it is....

(So OK, the messages were not in regards to the same computer, but it was funnier to let you all think so, right?)

So long, Clippy!

OFFER: original disks - Microsoft Office 4.1

If someone is into old computers & software, you might
want this set of disks. Microsoft Office Professional
4.1 - set of 24 floppy disks.


Oh, I'm totally into old computers and software. Especially clunky old word processing and spreadsheet programs that come on 24 disks and don't have all the handy features of current Microsoft Office, such as deciding for itself how to format your indentations, and
automatic hyperlinking of any web or email address, and that oh-so-helpful paperclip guy, and...

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good. I'll take it!

My wife wants a kitty...

So I'll make her an offer. Every time someone posts a cat on Freecycle, we'll take it. Provided, of course, that we also take this:

OFFER: Huge 10+ foot Boa Constrictor


This way, all of the kitties get a new home. Never mind that it's dark and damp and cylindrical and smells like snake bile.

I think she'll go for it.

1.05.2006

Why spell-checker is useless

OFFERED: 3 oxes of plus size women's clothing

So, is this enough to clothe three oxes? Or enough to stuff inside three taxidermified oxes? Or maybe three of these:

Chain mail

Something I've noticed... the average age of those people that send out messages whose subject lines contain more FWDs than the records of a dyslexic American Airlines ticketing agent has continually increased. There's a pretty good reason for this involving "trends" and "n00bs" and possibly even "gaskets."

But hey, when I was a lad discovering the wonders of email, at least the forwards I sent to all my friends had some sort of substance to them. And I didn't send them to over 1000 people via an internet message group:

Fwd: Alexandra,,,don't delete- from vince man1940 important

HELLO EVERY ONE PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY ONE YOU KNOW, IT IS A CHILD THAT WAS BADLY BURNT, THE ADD WILL GIVE 0.3 CENT FOR EVERY ONE SENT OUT THANK YOU {{{VINCE}}} GIVE A LITTLE PRAYER TOO

Whoa, we're able to send burnt children over the internet now? Cool!

I wonder how they picked this one up

RECEIVED PARKING GARAGE IN xxxxxxx THANK YOU

I wish I could tell you the story behid this one, but I can't. I don't remember the original email, and the body of the message was minimal. All I can speculate is that they must have gotten one doozy of a hernia.

Around here, they better be Red

Offer-socks

Half of a hefty trash bag of unmatched socks and peds...there may be
matches in there...who knows!


Man, I hate it when I go to work with my pedestrians unmatched.

So, let me get this straight... you're giving away a bunch of unmatched socks... that might match. Yeah, I can see somebody wanting that. Specifically, an alien somebody whose planetary surface was characterized by small but frequent patches of quicksand, causing all species on the planet to evolve over 37 legs, and is populated by deadly wooly aardvarks, resulting in a severe shortage of textile materials. Oh yeah, and they have to be all indie or goth or something, since the socks don't all match.

Not quite a technogeek, are we?

Wanted Router/Computer

Need a router badly, about to lose my internet.

in 5...

4...

3...

2... (somebody get me a router before I lose teh intarw3b!)

1...

Zero!

...

Zero!

...

Hey, I'm still alive! The magic internet fairy has granted me a magical internet service that won't go away ever as long as I pay her $35 a month!

I'd also like to thank the widowed

Wanted: To thank all servicemen and women for serving their country

I would like to thank the servicemen and servicewomen who have served
in Iraq for the sacrifices they have made trying keep our country safe.
I would also like to say thank you to the families who have lost a
member during this war.

While I totally agree with the first sentence of this post, I feel that the second begs a WTF?.

Thank you for losing a member of your family!?!

Sorry that this wasn't funny, but the subject matter I had to work with was inherently morose.