1.17.2006

Why grammar counts, even on the internet

Because, otherwise you end up making some very questionable requests:

WANTED: Lap top for daughter to use in college

I'm sure there are plenty of laps whose owners would be more than happy to oblige...

It's also important to doublecheck your offers:

OFFER - Lots of great ladies & household items


I'm pretty sure she meant to say "milking machines."

Not that I'm one to make fun of names...

WANTED: Wirelss "G" laptop card

Anyone have a wireless "G" PCMCIA card for a laptop? I
fitted my daughter's very old laptop with a "B" card
and the connection is too slow for some of her
browsing.

Blessings,
David



David,

It's not the card. B cards are slower than G cards, but they are both faster than any affordable internet connection. Perhaps the problem lies in the very old laptop?

Anyway, the main reason this one got posted here was not for the post itself, but the sender. The first time I noticed his specific post was when he offered 2 bars of soap. Yes, two bars. Hardly worth it, even if you live next door, because then you actually have to go and talk to him. Why is that bad? Here's his signature:

DAVID FRANKLIN FARKAS, M.S. Ed
Intuitive • Technician of the Sacred
Healing for People, Buildings and Businesses

www.farkas.com/realtyrealty@farkas.com



A visit to his website confirms the suspiscion: he's more wack than a bunch of Wild Angry Custard Klingons. Some quotes:

For real estate investors and home buyers, remote pre-purchase intuitive building inspections can reveal hidden structural damage, water and utility problems as well as, tenant and neighborhood issues or even ghosts! Your on-site home inspector then has a list of items to check for, many of which would otherwise have been "hidden" problems.

For sellers, realtors and home owners our House Healing and Clearing services can remove the intangible "stuff" that keeps a house from selling or make a your home a more nurturing and healthy enviroment for you and your family.

...

In addition, David has honed intuitive skills that let him see and repair the energetic structure of buildings.

...

You may to participate in real time through a telephone conference call with Mr. Farkas during the process. This is advantageous, allowing you to take your own notes. Information is available to Mr. Farkas while he is "in the energy" but he will not typically remember details after the session. His notes, in the form of various symbols and sketches, help him pinpoint problems but do not show any details.

...

David provides an on-call service for travelers, especially business people and trainers who are constantly using hotel public spaces. Several of his clients now call him whenever they are staying in a hotel, to clear and protect their rooms so they can get a relaxed and restful night's sleep and remain focused on the task at hand.


...

David works with a group of Archangelic beings, to clear, bless and protect places and spaces.

And if you needed any further proof, here's his picture:


1.11.2006

You knew it was going to happen...

A new request from our favorite crazybioch:

WANTED:ANY ONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS

And just to further screw with your head, later that day she writes again:

OFFER:COMPUTER

THIS IS A OLD MAC PC

Sure it is....

(So OK, the messages were not in regards to the same computer, but it was funnier to let you all think so, right?)

So long, Clippy!

OFFER: original disks - Microsoft Office 4.1

If someone is into old computers & software, you might
want this set of disks. Microsoft Office Professional
4.1 - set of 24 floppy disks.


Oh, I'm totally into old computers and software. Especially clunky old word processing and spreadsheet programs that come on 24 disks and don't have all the handy features of current Microsoft Office, such as deciding for itself how to format your indentations, and
automatic hyperlinking of any web or email address, and that oh-so-helpful paperclip guy, and...

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good. I'll take it!

My wife wants a kitty...

So I'll make her an offer. Every time someone posts a cat on Freecycle, we'll take it. Provided, of course, that we also take this:

OFFER: Huge 10+ foot Boa Constrictor


This way, all of the kitties get a new home. Never mind that it's dark and damp and cylindrical and smells like snake bile.

I think she'll go for it.

1.05.2006

Why spell-checker is useless

OFFERED: 3 oxes of plus size women's clothing

So, is this enough to clothe three oxes? Or enough to stuff inside three taxidermified oxes? Or maybe three of these:

Chain mail

Something I've noticed... the average age of those people that send out messages whose subject lines contain more FWDs than the records of a dyslexic American Airlines ticketing agent has continually increased. There's a pretty good reason for this involving "trends" and "n00bs" and possibly even "gaskets."

But hey, when I was a lad discovering the wonders of email, at least the forwards I sent to all my friends had some sort of substance to them. And I didn't send them to over 1000 people via an internet message group:

Fwd: Alexandra,,,don't delete- from vince man1940 important

HELLO EVERY ONE PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY ONE YOU KNOW, IT IS A CHILD THAT WAS BADLY BURNT, THE ADD WILL GIVE 0.3 CENT FOR EVERY ONE SENT OUT THANK YOU {{{VINCE}}} GIVE A LITTLE PRAYER TOO

Whoa, we're able to send burnt children over the internet now? Cool!

I wonder how they picked this one up

RECEIVED PARKING GARAGE IN xxxxxxx THANK YOU

I wish I could tell you the story behid this one, but I can't. I don't remember the original email, and the body of the message was minimal. All I can speculate is that they must have gotten one doozy of a hernia.

Around here, they better be Red

Offer-socks

Half of a hefty trash bag of unmatched socks and peds...there may be
matches in there...who knows!


Man, I hate it when I go to work with my pedestrians unmatched.

So, let me get this straight... you're giving away a bunch of unmatched socks... that might match. Yeah, I can see somebody wanting that. Specifically, an alien somebody whose planetary surface was characterized by small but frequent patches of quicksand, causing all species on the planet to evolve over 37 legs, and is populated by deadly wooly aardvarks, resulting in a severe shortage of textile materials. Oh yeah, and they have to be all indie or goth or something, since the socks don't all match.

Not quite a technogeek, are we?

Wanted Router/Computer

Need a router badly, about to lose my internet.

in 5...

4...

3...

2... (somebody get me a router before I lose teh intarw3b!)

1...

Zero!

...

Zero!

...

Hey, I'm still alive! The magic internet fairy has granted me a magical internet service that won't go away ever as long as I pay her $35 a month!

I'd also like to thank the widowed

Wanted: To thank all servicemen and women for serving their country

I would like to thank the servicemen and servicewomen who have served
in Iraq for the sacrifices they have made trying keep our country safe.
I would also like to say thank you to the families who have lost a
member during this war.

While I totally agree with the first sentence of this post, I feel that the second begs a WTF?.

Thank you for losing a member of your family!?!

Sorry that this wasn't funny, but the subject matter I had to work with was inherently morose.