4.29.2006

Another list of wishfullly free items

This may be the last installment of this type of post... it's really quite common and is almost universally prefaced with "I know this is a long shot, but..."

OK. People are sometimes generous. However, if there were as many free cars in the world as are requested on Freecycle, some fundamental law of physics would almost certainly be broken. I suppose it just goes to show that (unlike energy, matter, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch) there is no such thing as the Law of Conservation of Stupidity.

Here are some of the worst offenders, often not even offering a sob story to try and sway some person's golden heart:

WANTED: Car in working condition

Hi. I'm in need of a car in working condition. Can someone please help
me.
Thank you


Hey, I've got a car that works! It'll be perfect for you, I swear! As long as you live uphill of where you need to go. And have a ski lift to tow it back up to your house. But it does have 4 wheels and is very fuel efficient! OK, it's a leprous skateboard, but they are working very hard on a cure for leprosy these days, and the chances of your getting infected are very low as long as you don't hit a tiny piece of gravel and scrape your knees and elbows, leading to open woulds through which leprotic germs may enter.

WANTED: Car in working condition

looking for a toyota or something comparable.

I'll make you the same offer I made the last guy. What? You can compare a leprous skateboard to a Toyota. It doesn't stack up very well, but that doesn't stop you from comparing.

Wanted:Pick-up truck in working order

It could be a source of partime income in a dayly strougle for
survivor in today's economy for a low income family, anything will be
appriciated, thanks you all.


It could be. Or it could be the basis for building a portable meth lab. Not that it couldn't be both, thanks you.

We are looking for a Drill Press

We are looking for a drill press. :-)

Apparently, they assume we don't know how to read subjects. Or they thought that sending a message with just a smiley-face in the body would be kind of creepy (this was the entirety of the message). Anyway, it turns out that some models are not as expensive as I thought they were, but still...

And finally we have this last one. I don't know, maybe this sort of thing actually works, because the same guy is asking for more free professional labor:

WANTED: ROOFER FOR xxxxxxx 2 FAMILY

Again, no details, no mention of contract, just a request for someone to do for free what they normally get paid to do. Will materials be provided? Tools? At the very least, lemonade? I see this sort of thing the same as if I walked into an accountant's office and asked them to do my taxes for free. Or going to a restaurant and expecting a free meal. Or going up to a professional sports team owner and asking them to do, uh, to do... well, whatever it is that they do. For free. That is.

Heh heh... I said oars!

WANTED: Crew.boat oars/paint stripper &tools

Quote that becomes juvenilically funny when taken extremely out of context:

"also any left over stripper especially the paste kind"

I guess it was worth a shot

Considering how unlikely it would be to find it anywhere else, either:

WANTED --- Karaoke song Shes So cold- willing to trade

Hi... I do digital karaoke shows by laptop, willing to trade songs or
information .... I am looking for the song SHES SO COLD by the rolling
stones in karaoke...


No such luck

Shirt

Does anyone have a YANEEKS shirt a size 12!
Thank You

Funny, I was just at the MLB printing rejects outlet store. I saw shirts for the Asstros, the Angles, the Doggers, the Mauve Sox, the Injuns, the Cardinal Richelieu Impersonators, the Merlins, the Cowards, the Blew Jays, the Fillies, the Pierats, and the Royals, but no Yaneeks.

Besides, since when does athletic team apparel come in numbered sizes?

Fowls in a funk

Wanted: Broody hen

Let's see...

I've got a contemplative chickadee, a depressed duck, and a pondering partridge. Sorry, I'm fresh out!

4.15.2006

Houston, we have an overcrafty mom

OFFERED: ripped rubber gloves for kids' play

The title rings faintly of some unspeakable pedophilia-related incident left up to the reader's twisted, gnarled, warped, and otherwise diagonally-cut-in-a-square-cut-world imagination. OK, let's read on:

Just thinking how kids of a certain age would enjoy playing monster or
alien by putting on bright yellow rubber gloves whose fingers would
flap, EVEN THOUGH THE GLOVES MIGHT ALL HAVE AT LEAST ONE HOLE IN ONE
FINGER AND THUS BE UNUSABLE FOR WASHING DISHES! I've got a few; don't
know how many; about eight, probably. Maybe some light-green ones in
the mix.

Virginia


Yeah, I can just see the kids now:

Kid 1: RRRRAAAAHHHGHGHHAH!!!!1 I'm an alien/monster and I'm coming to eat you!!
Kid 2: Yeah, that glove with a hole in it is really scaring me. If you attacked me, I might accidentally touch your skin through the hole! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kid 1 *sprouts tentacles and rips off kid mask to reveal some sort of alien/monster underneath*
FOOL! You dare mock the mighty Zurg! For that pathetic little display of arrogance, I will eat your SOUL!
*eats soul of Kid 2*

it happened again!

Offer: AOL 9.0 CD
One AOL 9.0 CD - I will mail it to the first person who sends their
address.


Do people really think that these are a) difficult to find and b) actually worth something? And this lady will mail it right to your door! AS IF I DIDN'T GET E-FRICKIN-NOUGH OF THEM IN THE MAIL ALREADY!!!

4.09.2006

Yeah, good luck with that.

WANTED: Pogs and Slammers

Slammers, especially. Looking for more pogs as well, so I can bring
the game back.













NERD!!!!

Spellcheck doesn't catch everything

i am trying to locate a restore dick for a packard bell computer

It should be mentioned at this time that "restore dick" anagrams to "redi-rockets."

Milking machines need a good home; some repair required

Offer: Female Loafers

All they do now is just sit on their lazy bums and collect dust. Maybe someone can break these girls in? I've tried everything, and I just can't get them to work. I don't want to dump them in a landfill, because I'm sure they have a lot of wear still in them for the right set of legs.

That ain't a jingle bell. That's a gland full o' knowledge!

WANTED: full-size human brain model



If I wasn't a little loaded right now I'd say you're, uh, looking for, uh, come closer here. Looking for a brain, is that right? Heeey, it's Carl here, your buddy. You don't have to lie to me, cuz if it's a brain you want, I'll get you a brain. Oh yeah, yeah, no trouble. Let me just get another beer and give Terry a call. He does tons of stuff. He's kind of a jack of all, uh, black market organs. Does it need to be smart? Cuz those are kind of hard to come by. You gotta be smarter than them to get it. Two halves from different brains? No, it's no trouble, really. I went to high school with this guy. This thing he's doing here is sorta, you know, frowned upon by the community.



(click here if you don't understand. Not that clicking will help at all, but you'll feel better for having done it.)


Actually, the guy who sent this message runs another one of these handwavey consulting businesses, ala David Farkas although not nearly as crackpot sounding. Check him out, he's a Personal Productivity Workflow Consultant

4.03.2006

Sonic's got 'em, others don't.

Offered: Mealworms
I have a container of 50 Mealworms that I got at Dave's on Friday. I
took 2 out~and my Hedgehog wanted nothing to do with them! Anyone want
them?

Gender stereotype time, everybody!

OFFERED: Women's unmentionables

Such as:

unnecessary shoes
ugly babies
excess chocolate
small phone bills

actual quote from message: "I am elderly and I need one bad"

WANTED: memory

Hi, my name is... Harold?... Harriet?... Har... binger of Death?

Anyway, I'm writing because I lost my... um... mammal?... mimosa?... membership card for AARP?... huh. It'll come to me any... specter?... speculum?... sexism?...

Well. Anyway, my name is... Hattie?... Hester? ... Herbert? And I am looking for a.... hmm. I just had it on the tip of my tungsten-carbide drill.

Well anyway, if you figure out what it is I want, please respond to this, um... massage?... mastodon?... menage-a-trois?... and I'll get front to you.

Cincinnati,

um.... Sin City,

hmmm.... Cinnamon Toast Crunch,

Hubert. Hannah. Happenstance. Harlot. Harvey. Somebody!

(with apologies to Monty Python)

Sounds like a grand ol' time

Wanted: Services of Activist minded modern dancers for show in April
Dancers with and without disabilities sought for show at My Place
(a.k.a Bob Blue's house) in xxxxxxx April 22nd and 23rd. Experience a
plus. Contact Martina at xxx-xxxx.

Thanks,
Martina

I can hardly wait. Modern dance is my favorite type of dance besides swing, hip-hop, waltz, polka, fox-trot, two-step, macarena, conga, electric slide, break, line, salsa, tango, flamenco, ballet, dirty, YMCA, Hokey Pokey, bunny hop, awkward 7th-grade slow, Napoleon Dynamite, the kind that you do when your rival is firing a six-shooter at your feet, and any other type of dance besides modern dance.